New Muse: Dillon

I got lost on Youtube and couldn't find my way back because of her.




My favourite



I hereby declare I'm now a fan of her.

Patiently Waiting

"Move baby, move. Your life is falling on you"

She woke up on a train. The voice uttering the words still echoed in her head. Unperturbed by the regular occurrence, she sat still silently watching trees and the sun falling west. The train was moving through a mountain range, reminding her of home. But home reminded her of last night.

The bar. She lost track of time emptying glasses. At the twist of her hips she turned as he walked through the door. That moment when she felt time stood still. Everything blurred as he moved a fraction of a second at a time. He found her gaze and she decided to make him hers.

A delectable smile sufficed as she thought to herself "for what it's worth. you know, you could take a man so easily?"

Morning came and she found herself alone. She wasn't home but the bed still smelled like flowers. She caught the sun peeking through the curtains. breakfast laid ready at the bedside. Everything was as it should be. Last night was another night. Just like any other night with someone, somewhere.

She looked around for him and found that he had turned into a note, lying on the floor. A cursive scribbled "thanks girl, next time in my town just pick up the phone"

She laid still gazing at the floor where her clothes stranggled patiently waiting for her to put them back on.

As the last ray of light disappeared from the horizon, the voice still echoed in her head "Move baby, move. Your life is falling on you"

inspired by :

A YEAR AGO

September, 11 - 11 - 2012

So, it's been a year. Who would have thought it was my last date with him. We went to Kalang to watch One Day, had dinner in Esplanade then took a bus home. I still remember what he wore, what we ate, everything about that day. Then, just like that, with no good bye, he left. A year went by, everything has changed, I've changed, my feeling has changed. I've moved on with my life. Yes, it took some time for me to get over him but everything turned good once I've learn to let go. The wounds slowly cured themselves, memories faded away, and I saw a bigger picture. A better picture. 

My revenge, nothing but knowing he's taken a piece of me and it shapes his heart permanently.

Move on. Don't waste your time on someone who doesn't have the same interest as yours. You'll forget. You'll forgive.

Love Is A Losing Game

Spend a few minutes to listen to this song in a busy day. Put everything aside. Get a cup of tea, rain and Amy. Breathe.

 
 

"Yes Amy, it was alright... More than alright - practically perfect, in fact. I so wish I could have seen you live, just once...just a glimpse of you would have been enough. Rest now baby x" - snoozipie

What she/he said, Amy. What she/he said.

Luxxie

Solitude Is Bliss

Saturday, 10 November 2012.

"Another one of those content Saturdays when I splurge on books whilst having a cuppa and pen down a page or two. Feeling good." (my tweet)

Yes it is just another serene Saturday for me. Since I've been staying late at work for the whole week, I decided to spend my weekend by staying in. I woke up late, had omelette for breakfast, took a nap for 2 hours, sat on my little balcony with a book and a cuppa for hours, cooked for myself, took a hot shower then got back to the book, and now, I'm jotting this down. Nothing so special about today but somehow, everything feels just good. Not a single thing is amiss. 

I'm all alone. I have to admit, living on my own and being alone, there are days when I'd appreciate the presence of a company. But not today, today this solitude feels so victorious.

Often times, we get mixed up about solitude and loneliness. Of course, we get lonely. Everyone gets lonely. Loneliness is always around us. What's loneliness, by the way? Loneliness is hard to define because it is fundamentally about absence. It’s the feeling that something is missing, even if you can’t specify what: a romantic partner, a friend, a sense of confidence or place, a feeling of purpose. It's like there is an empty space, a void that needs to be filled. Loneliness is when you want the phone to ring, and it doesn’t.

On the other hand, have you ever found yourself alone in a house or woken up in the middle of the night because you're famished for a solo supper then you cooked for yourself or made a cup of coffee, and enjoyed your meal in a dim dining room but still felt that there could be no better companion? That's solitude. If loneliness is about lack, solitude is the opposite, a feeling of being whole, sometimes deliriously so. Solitude is taking pride in knowing that you are able to amuse yourself, take care of yourself, do anything you want by yourself and you feel fantastic about it.

You're not afraid of being on your own, you don't force yourself to go make a little crowd and walking or being alone, even for a minute, is such a vital time for you. Sometimes, that's the urge to avoid the crowds, even you have to hide out in the bathroom at work, just a bit of time alone, time for a mini-internal dialogue, allowing our thoughts to lead us where they will. "Should I stay in this job? Should I be trying to write a novel? Should I say yes? Should I break up with him? Should I stick it out?" Those are the question we ask ourselves to be answered by none other than ourselves too.

Solitude is the kind of thing you don’t even appreciate until it’s gone. Given how often we find many people who are in intense relationship need a certain amount of time alone or how they complain of a lack of space when deeply involved in relationships, those are the epitomes that solitude isn’t universally bad. We need to be alone because it’s when we are alone that we are able to allow our thoughts to take shape.

There are definitely lonely times, too, when aloneness feels like gaping maw, and you just wish that someone, anyone would call you on the phone. Or, have this ever happened to you? You have a long rough day and you know you're gonna go home to an empty apartment, you secretly wish there will be someone behind the door to welcome you with a smile or to cuddle with? At least someone who will ask you "How was your day?" and listen to your rant? It has happened to me a lot of times. It is still normal to feel that every now and then.

In my opinion, a great deal of the pain caused by loneliness is due to a lack of control. Solitude is easy to enjoy when it isn’t forced. But when you lack control over your situation, solitude becomes loneliness. If you feel your isolation wasn’t chosen, and you can’t control it, that exile can be unbearable. The key, in my opinion, to regaining enjoyment in solitude and reducing loneliness, is to regain some control.

There is a power in being able to find contentment in solitude. Confronting essential aloneness is something that we have to learn through life experience like everyone else, but being comfortable doing things alone is second nature to most of us. Sometimes, spending time alone is just fun—and absolutely necessary for sanity’s sake.

Being alone is the only way to be creative in many disciplines. Again, like I've said, it’s when we are alone that we are able to allow our thoughts to take shape. You don’t need to go on a Buddhist retreat to be in touch with your “true self,” to find the center. This is why walking alone is such a vital time for us: it’s a convenient, incidental solitude. And the woman-walking-alone is such a cliché image of romantic aloneness in pop culture: in the opening scenes of Felicity, in Ally McBeal, in advertisements, and even at the end of Shakespeare in Love. We rely on stretches of walking-alone solitude—during which we think, regard buildings and the pastel sky, let thoughts bubble up inside of us—as a natural part of our days. It’s a time for contemplation. The uncompromising honesty of one, one's unwillingness to sell out or settle, comes from an almost compulsive conversation with the self.

One common misconception about people who like to be alone is that they are basically loners, the kind of people who categorically don’t like to socialize. In fact, we are usually a complicated mix of social and introspective. Often the alone states that we seek are the ones that put us in places of possibility: walking alone, sitting in a café, or traveling on a train, we thrive on a mix of solitude and adventure: New people, we love to meet new people (that we like!).

We are that aimless strollers who lose themself in the crowd, who have no destination and just go wherever caprice or curiousity directs our steps. We are wanderers and observers who amble through a city without apparent purpose but are secretly in search of adventure.

I have to admit, I think I'm more addicted to solitude since I live abroad without family and close friends around. When I first moved to Singapore, I had zero friend nor family. Such circumstances forced me to explore a new part of the city, crashing parties, or go out alone. I believe pretty strongly that you meet more people when you are alone. If you are traveling as a couple you are walled off from those travel miracles. Going out alone is the best. Single people get pulled into the best adventures. No one wants to approach couples to start a conversation/ruckus. I can’t even tell you how many insane things I’ve gotten involved with because I go out by myself. Also, I grow fonder of strangers. From strangers who approach or share table with me in a eating place or maybe cafe, or just sit beside me in a park or lounge, I make friends. I make a new family.

At the end of the day, you can only rely on yourself. You will walk through life alone.

--

Sunday, 11 November 2012

I decided to read a book with a companion of a cup of tea with a stack of pancakes outside, alone. It felt so good.

Petrichor

A busy Friday.

Reaping the various existing thoughts in my mind, I thought I better outpour every each of them into a cup of hot cocoa. I went down to the pantry expecting a little break from a pile of tasks on my desk. There, I found this familiar young lady who always smiles at me whenever she meets me even if we never talk that much. 

"No, let me make it myself. Thank you". I said to her.

She smiled again. 3 tea-spoons of cocoa and hot water. I stirred it. One sip, the flavor didn't taste that strong.

"One more spoon should be enough" I said to myself.

"You look good in red", said the lady behind me.

I startled, didn't notice she was staying behind me all the way.

"Oh really? Thank you. Yes it's Friday. I'm on fire" I replied.

"What's your plan tonight?"

"Nothing... I wanna head straight home. I've been staying late at work these past few days. I.. " I took a sip, tested the cocoa in my hand. It was just nice.

"Sorry. I'm, ah, kinda tired. I miss sleeping all day long", I continued.

"You should go out. You are still young"

I looked at her, said nothing and just smiled. I took one more sip.

"Oh Miss, your hair is wet"

"Oh ya I get caught in the rain, I was from a meeting outside earlier"

"You look tired", said the lady.

"Am I? Probably yaa.. I'm so deprived of sleep" I stirred the hot cocoa with the tea spoon.

"Well, this is just my suggestion, but on a rainy day like this, if I were you, I would go outside with my coffee. Just sit outside. I wouldn't want to think about the work I have. I want to enjoy the rain.", said the lady while mopping the floor.

"Well, I wouldn't do that"

"May I know why? You've got a lot of work to do?"

"No. It's just..." my eyes wandered. I couldn't help but sigh.

"There's just something about the rain that always brings out every memory that I've been trying to forget. And I kind of.. dislike it"

She stopped mopping and looked at me. For one second, I looked into her eyes and I could see a big question mark that asserted a further elaboration.

"Or maybe.. it's just my mood!" I chuckled hoping she wouldn't insist on giving me that stare.

"Woman, go out. I know you like the wind chimes. Sit near there. Hear the sound of the wind touching them. Smell the rain, see the greenery. Focus on the rain, not what is on your mind."

She left me in a daze. "I guess the rain is pretty hard. My cocoa is getting cold. Oh well.." I tried my best to distract her.

"You don't want to try?"

"Try what?"

"Go to the porch lobby and enjoy the rain?"

"I... " I was doubtful.

"Okay I will"

** 

 I heard the sound of wind chimes dancing freely with the wind blew my hair when that smell emerged. That, the pleasant smell that accompanies the first rain after a dry spell. Petrichor.

I held the cup of my cocoa really hard. My eyes wandered. Every now and then, I closed my eyes while sipping the cocoa trying to focus on the rain. How it sounded like. How it smelled like.

Then out of nowhere, a British guy came to me. I suddenly remembered of how he always called me with a pet name, Lily. I suddenly remembered the way he laughed, the way he made jokes, the way he stomped me when he was mad and the way he looked at me. He was there. He was sitting in front of me.

He seemed to keen on reminding me of every moment we shared together. What happened last November, I tried to recall with his looks that recited one story and another.

Then, I smelled this particular scent. The scent that I'm familiar with. There he was, the Korean guy with a white shirt. I put down the cup and smiled.  He was sitting next to me.

I kept looking at him with a smile on my face. I sniffed his scent and all of a sudden those moments flashed in my mind. The moment when he looked at me, when he laughed, when he talked to me, when he tried to pronounce a few Indonesian words, his voice, his charming unfriendly tempered, his arrogant gestures and not to forget, his calmness. Then I tried to remember every inch of his body. His neat clean-shaven hair, the thick-frame of his spectacles, his bulky arms and his neat white teeth that caught my attention since the very start.

I was glad he was there. I missed him. I was so glad he came.

A little thunder interrupted my thoughts that hit me back to my hot cocoa. It turned so cold and its coldness aroused my scattered mind. The rain was getting really hard that resulted the wind chimes swaying wildly with the deafening sound, sounded much like my wandering mind was being forced to cling to the moment that I felt real was only a castle in the air.

I came back to the reality. No one was there but me. The British guy wasn't there, neither was the Korean guy whose presence I've been longing the most.

"Get a grip, Amalia", my heart shouted that.

I was a little bit resentful because I didn't like it. I didn't like it like this. She was wrong, the pantry lady was wrong. You can't only focus on the rain because You can't help but remember moments and people when it rains.

W A N D E R L U S T

To live in the city where it is safe to have a long night walk. 

To live in the city where its historical sites and libraries are pretty decent

 

To live in the city where it is convenient to go on a date taking public transportation or walking on a crowded street. 

To live in the city where relieving stress doesn't involve malls but parks, public attractions, street artists and city lights.

 To live in the city where having pecks on the lips in public spaces is appropriate

To live in the city where sharing a table with strangers at an eating place is normal

To live in the city where it is easy to have a lunch date in the thick of a busy day

To live in the city where  a long distance call from your family is one precious happy pill.

 To live in the city where menials and varmints don't wolf whistle and leer at women in revealing clothes. 

To live in the city where the sea, mountain, beach or river is a daily dish view from your window

Go, leave your city. Move, don't only stay in a little garden. Flee, go see the fields beyond the fence. Live. Wandering is living.

Luxxie

First Monday in November: Compliments

Since October, I was warned that November is gonna be a busy month. Looking at so many bold dates in my calender that imply meeting schedules and deadlines, I've got to brace myself for the sleep deprivation, depression, rest home during the whole weekends, head straight home after work, and any part thereof.

So yesterday, on the first Monday in November, I came to work wearing a shirt for the first time. Yes, it was my very first time wearing a shirt to work. I wear many dresses, tops and skirts, anything but a shirt. Why? It's not that I dislike shirts, in fact, I'm really comfortable wearing one. It's just a shirt always gives me a sense of rigidity, which is very dissimilar to my work environment. Despite all the seriousness that we put in our work with entrenched discipline, I'm thankful that the people in my office dress pretty casual.

I was in blue. No, it was not an idiom, I meant, I was wearing a blue shirt and a blue skirt. When I got to the office, I bumped into my co-worker, he went like "Hey, you look so pretty today. Marry me?". I dodged it by smiling. It seemed like everybody did notice that I had never worn a shirt before and got all shocked when I wore one yesterday. Luckily, they said, I looked so good in a shirt.

I met Jonathan, the American guy who happens to be a bloody VP. I usually can't get along really well with him but yesterday, he complimented me saying "Hey, nice shirt! and it's matching with your blue skirt too. I think you have such a good taste in fashion!". At the very least he was really being nice to me and for once, I didn't get in a quarrel with him.

3 pm, I went for a coffee break with my co-workers. As I don't drink coffee, I had a cup of Milo. Anything related to our work was the topic. Our tight schedules, planning, goals, some even vented about them. It was either the Monday blues or mere pressures in us. 

Then out of nowhere, one of my Indonesian co-worker: the closest one, my partner in crime, my ace buddy nonchalantly said "You look pretty today, Fir". Why was I shocked? Because regardless of the fact that we're close, he never complimented me. Not even once. When we were back in our room, he played his playlist and the song was "Kau cantik hari ini / dan aku suka" :). I pretended that I didn't hear or even notice the song was playing though, because it would be really awkward for us both *grin*.

What? I'm only blogging about the compliments I've got? Yes. Because women never forget compliments. And I will not want to forget each of them as well.

Btw, I like these candid pictures taken by my co-worker when I was sipping Milo at the office lounge.The suitable caption for these photos would be: Diluted the Monday blues in a cup of Milo.

So, I just want to share about how happy I was to get compliments only by wearing a shirt. As I've once ever tweeted, you have to give someone a compliment when they deserve it. Why? Because a compliment could be an achievement for somebody. Moreover, it could be a form of recognition or a simple acknowledgement. At the very least, by giving a compliment we subtly convey one's worth and that can make one's day. Monday (in) blues were not that bad after all.

The Last

Yesterday in the thick of a busy day, Harris my co-worker showed me this video. We watched this video by the big window with the rain drops over two cups of tea. I marveled. The hopeless-romantic side of me said, this is a beautiful piece of work. This video which is actually a short movie made my heart melt, gave me an epiphany and resonated me.

And well, below this video is my attempt at jotting down the dialogues of this movie because there are so many interesting lines that I love. I think you should spare 8 minutes out of 24 hours in your day to watch this short movie. You just should.

The Last

How many were there before me?

What do you mean?

How many girls did you love before me?

Love? 5. I loved 5 women before you.

What are their names?

Who, What, When, Where, Why

Can you tell me about them?

Who I loved, was a girl from college. I wasn’t exactly close to her but with some superficial facts and a few interaction over semester; you know, like most guys fantasizing about a girl they barely know, I filled in the blanks like a fairytale author. And who she became in my head was probably more than the reality. She was a third year sorority girl. And I was the infatuated freshman, sure, but the several times we got to spend together outside  of class also allowed me to see she also had a good heart and a bright spirit. The only problem was? So did just about any other guy. And while she turned me down nicely, I swear, there were times when it seemed like the cliche sorority girl may have felt something for the typical, awkward, freshman.

What I loved, was an old friend. But she was much more than just a friend. we met early in college and kept in touch with the year after. We saw each other grow, and change. And through multiple relationships. I saw her different boyfriends come and go, she was also there for every girlfriend… and break-up of mine. Personality, humor, taste, it was all there. Her and I were almost perfect. The only thing that wasn’t perfect, was our timing. We were never single at the same time and what we loved about each other was never enough to leave who we were with. This is something we eventually have to face and accept. And we had to leave behind what we had.

When I loved, was my first girlfriend in highschool. It’s a bit unfair because she embodies the combination of both love and youth. The feeling of young love is unique and impossible to replace or replicate. Because we can only be that age once. High school was the time of innocence, discovery and adventure. We shared these three elements together and things like, our first kiss, late night sneaking out, and mad-named movies. All of which now have become a nostalgic love. Preserved in a time that neither of us can touch, but know it’s there. Even though we were just kids, there’s not a doubt in my mind that when we were there, we were in love.

Where I loved, was the girl I met in Los Angeles. I never intend to stay there that long. It was just a six-month internship after graduating, but it all changed when I met her. Soon a year had passed and somehow another year after that. I couldn’t leave the city. I couldn’t leave her. Maybe it was my desire to be on my own, or prove something to everyone back at home, but she helped me accomplish it over there. With a relationship reflective of the city we were in. A new energy and new experiences that really push me to mature more than anyone. Or anywhere else. When people ask what city I love the most, I say, L.A. The city where I loved the most.

Why I loved, was a close friend of mine who passed away. She told me after she was diagnosed that death wasn’t what saddened her the most. But the fact that she never really felt like she had fallen in love. She wouldn’t get to have those emotions, good and bad. Of being hurt, and of being held. After she passed, those words stuck with me the most. Teaching me to see that, one of the greatest gifts we have of being alive was the ability to give, receive, and even lose love. There are so many like her, whose lives end before having any of those experiences. What a waste if we don’t strive to love in our lives. She made me understand why. Why waste our life… not loving?

I understand now.

You are the sixth. 

The sixth? So which one is me, then?

You are none of them. Because you are all of them.

You are who I love. The girl on the pedestal. The fantasy. The make-believe things that are actually true. You are what I love. The depth, the inside jokes. The bestfriend. You are when I love. A new history is being started with you. We are the young lovers our older selves will someday reminisce about. You are where I love. Because I’d go anywhere just to be with you. You are why I love. Because before you, I didn’t truly understand what I was looking for. Now that we found each other, You’ve given my past, and future, meaning.

You are the sixth. You are the last.

Lately

Lately, life has been treating me quite fairly. Well, except my job. I've finally gotten into an internal issue. No biggie, though.. I always dodge it.

Other than that, I got a very special client today. SAMSUNG Corporation from Korea and one of them is a very HOT guy. MY GOODNESS!!!!!!! He wears specs!!! He was sooo quiet. Initially he acted like an ass. He seemed to patronize me, he didn't talk much yet once he talked, I got a hunch that he must have studied overseas or something, given how good his pronunciation and accent is. Apparently it's true. He used to study in Texas for 5 years.

As we'd done with our business, we talked over coffee and that's when I knew more about him. I was so shocked when I found out he's 36 years old but still looks that bloody hot. AND HE'S SINGLE! *throwing confetti* Gosh, he's irresistible (for me). Bad thing is, he didn't bring his name card. After so many jokes, just about before he left, he looked at me and he said "CALL ME".

LIKE OH MY GOODNESS THERE WAS A FLASH MOB IN MY HEART MAAAAAN!!

But then again, HOW SHOULD I CALL HIM? He didn't bring his name card. However, when I told him I plan to go to Seoul next year he said "Call me". I said "But you didn't bring your name card." He said "I can email you".

YESSSSSSSSSS!!!!

We went downstairs, and he asked me to take a picture with him :)

That's the end of the story. I was happy and still am. Oh, I'm really hoping he will email me his name card. GOD I BEG OF YOU!!!!!

Another story, I like this pictures of mine taken yesterday by my co-worker in the office when we had no work to do and instead, we danced around and camwhored. (though I look fat on this dress :< )

Oh, one more.. I'm deeply in love with Teza's Voice. Since he was in Indonesian Idol, I idolized him though. Here is my favorite..

I Miss You - Beyoncé (Cover) By Teza Sumendra (Keyboard: M. Rizky)

Teza, can I kiss your voice?

Happy me,

Dinda Syafira Zein

We Are Kind Of, Sort Of Dating, Maybe?

Are we supposed to be dating? Or are we more like good friends? Special buddies? No, not special buddies, that just sounds awkward. Hmm, maybe this is just about hooking up mostly. So like, are we one of those whatever with benefits type deals?

If you have to ask yourself those types of question, you’re probably treading in dangerous waters. When it comes to relationships or dating arrangements, details should typically be pretty clear-cut if those involved have unswerving sentiments. These things can’t end well with hesitance or indecision. And I know, some people say that they are just fine with strictly physical connections, but far too often those result in the development of feelings and one or both sides getting a shank to the heart.

Does anything break more young hearts in this day and age than the unclear, we-like-each-other-but-not-enough-to-put-it-on-Facebook, vague connections? So many people are involved in them and they’re typically unhappy and/or unsatisfied. Because the having sex, or hanging out together part only lasts for so long, then there’s all the time in between to think about wanting more from them.

It’s similar to when you’re spaced out driving and the green light abruptly turns yellow, but you’re too close to make a sudden stop and too far away to coast through the light easily. It’s uncomfortable as hell but the one thing a driver can’t do in such a scenario is continue moving at the same pace. A decision must be made — and a firm one, at that. When dating it’s the same scenario. A choice is necessary; either slam on the brakes and come to a screeching halt or put the pedal to the metal and power through quickly. Sadly it’s far more common to move forward indecisively and get smacked by love in the intersection, with the force of a semi truck.

So why don’t people stop when they know they’re in between dating? Well if we’re being honest with ourselves, it’s not because we don’t know what to do. In fact, we know damn well what we should do. The truth is you still want their attention, don’t want them to end up elsewhere, straight up hate being alone, or something of that nature. We’re weak, we’re in need, we’re in the moment — but most of all, we’re human.

Yes, it’d be awesome if we had knobs installed on our bodies that allowed us to adjust our emotions with a simple twist, but that type of technology doesn’t exist. It’s easy for and expected of friends to tell you that you should quit in between-ing. That you should sever ties and wait for someone who will fully value and commit to you. The thing is, they’re probably hypocrites. Not in a bad way, they mean well and are giving you the right advice, but nobody actually follows their own instructions — especially not when they’re so challenging to abide by. It requires a great deal of willpower to take the scissors, cut the cord and avoid ever having a relapse during a moment of weakness.

The other option is going full force and using sheer power to get to a point where you’re comfortable. This is hazardous too. The risk is there because some folks exaggerate and, to add to the “coolness” of their image, will take your genuine, heartfelt action and twist it into a crazy, psycho type story. I don’t know if there’s currently a word more overused by 20-somethings than “stalk.” I hear things like, “Ew, she/he remembered my favorite soda and then surprised me by buying me a bottle and writing a nice note to go along with it. What a stalker.” When did doing nice things and making an effort turn into stalking? Now nobody wants to put themselves out there. Nobody wants to try, at least not too hard, because they might get thrown under the bus and be cast in a super creepy light.

And so, because there’s probably going to be some struggle regardless of what is done, people choose to do nothing at all. It seems easier to just let things run their course naturally, and not stop or speed up the process any. This is why you see so many people uncertain about what they’re involved in. Some are mostly in it for hookups; others spend a substantial amount of time together but never take it to the next level. And then there are those who literally perform the actions of a relationship: dinner, movies, hugs, kisses, sweet nothings, sex — but no label or commitment. The openness of tag-less, promise-less connection is a killer.

Space and uncertainty leaves room for both parties to stray or other people to wedge their way into the picture. And when that happens, feelings get hurt, emotions are realized and bridges burn to the ground. So if you care about a person but are unsure whether they’re your good friend, best friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, casual sex partner, cuddle buddy, unlicensed therapist or movie watching companion, consider yourself at risk. Whether you completely stop or go full force, you’re guaranteed to force some sort of change. But doing nothing and allowing a big, gray area to exist puts your feelings in jeopardy. If you don’t do something proactive to close or enforce the space, someone might come along and take that option away from you — which is far more excruciating.

I Still Think About You

Though a huge part of our largely-silent, post-dating acquaintanceship is based on the idea that neither of us have any interest in the other — that whatever happened between us is something entirely left in the past to wither and rot — I still think of you. I am not sure if that makes me the weak one in the equation (though I’m alright with it if I am), it’s just that the silence that is expected after separations seems too simple and, to be honest, too cruel. It’s as though a breakup of any kind means that whatever existed before is now somehow erased from the mutual history of both partners, never to be acknowledged again — and that just feels ridiculous.

And saying that I miss you wouldn’t quite be the right term, either, though I know that admitting you still think of someone you used to love immediately conjures up images of someone sitting alone in their room, listening to Death Cab or something equally emotional, and crying. I’m not crying. It’s just that, when I see photos of you or hear through the grapevine of something that you’ve been up to, I wish that reaching out to you wouldn’t be such an inappropriate step. In fact, it’s the whole “this requires a long, drawn-out explanation of why we’re talking again” thing that really confuses me — am I not allowed to ever consider your existence again? In almost every other aspect of my life, keeping tabs on things and remembering what was good is something to be praised, something that makes you an adult. Somehow, this is the exception.

What have you been doing? Are you happy in your life? The things that you always talked about doing as we lay together in bed, looking at the ceiling in that kind of dreamy, half-asleep lull of honesty — are you doing them? I want to know what you’ve been up to, I am genuinely interested about the turns your life has taken and the people you are now choosing to spend it with. Perhaps it would be inappropriate to ask, but who are you dating now? Do you like her? Do you love her? I know it must sound strange, but I have a hard time picturing even the concept of love involving you and someone else. When you create such love with someone, as you do in a relationship of a certain magnitude, the entire word “love” seems to belong to you and you alone. If you have chosen to share it with someone else, do you mean it?

Do you think about me? I know, it’s selfish, it’s childish. Nothing screams “immaturity” like wanting to catch up with someone only to shortly thereafter find out exactly what percentage of their life has to do with you still, but I’m curious. As much as I genuinely find myself thinking of what your life must consist of, it would be comforting to think that you have the same moments of reflection about me. Tell me that something as great as we were sort of echoes through the rest of your life, occasionally tapping you on the shoulder to remind you of a past that you so clearly left behind. Tell me, because the world would seem a bit too cold if it didn’t.

I have thought so many times about the implications of contacting you, of telling you simply that you’ve been on my mind, and waiting for the repercussions to permeate through the twisted groups of our mutual friends. It seems almost an exercise in masochism, the unbridled exposure of one’s heart with the expectation that, at best, the other won’t actively humiliate you. Don’t humiliate me. This isn’t some white flag with the implication that “you won” some unspoken competition — I would hope that our time spent apart has moved us past the petty distinctions of “who is happy” and “who is sad.” I would hope that we have both become happy enough in our own lives, and on our own terms, that joy is not something that has to be divided up amongst us. I want us to both be equally in love with our own chosen paths.

Yes, I am still curious. I wonder what has happened to you since I last saw you, touched you, whispered something in your ear. I wish that getting coffee and catching up like old friends was something acceptable for the two of us to do, and not something that came with a million implications about how desperate the initiating party must be. But, in the interest of honesty, I do wonder. I guess I’d like to know that your life has gone as well as I had once hoped it might, and that what you have become is something that you can sit with at the end of the day and be proud of. I knew you were meant for great things, and I want you to achieve them (even if I may have experienced a moment or two of selfish jealousy in the midst of our separation). You deserve so many great things, not the least of which is my honesty.

I still think about you, do you think about me?

--- Charlotte Green

Sebuah Perpisahan

Mencintai bukan sebatas menggenggam, tapi juga melepaskan.

Mencintai adalah bentuk keseimbangan dari memiliki dan merekalan,

Menggenggam dan melepaskan,

Memulai dan menghentikan.


Kadang merelekan dia yang herharap untuk pergi adalah bentuk dari cinta.

Ketidak-egoisan kita untuk memaksakan cinta itu sendiri adalah bentuk termurni dari cinta.

Apalagi yang bisa kita berikan selain cinta itu sendiri ke orang yang kita cintai?

Bedanya, cinta itu kita berikan dalam bentuk yang berbeda.

Mensyukuri dia yang kita cintai pernah bersama kita, adalah bentuk terakhir dari cinta.

Bahwa setidaknya kita pernah bahagia bersama orang yang kita cintai dan mencintai kita.


Jakarta, 4 Januari 2012

OUR PILLOW

on our silent night, we put our heads on a single pile of cotton pads facing each other. i saw your eyelids closed and i felt peaceful, for your hand leaned on my body, for your skin touched mine, and for your breath roared through your snore.

i moved my hand that resulted you to wake up. "the night is still young, i just want to snooze" you said with a queer voice. "isn't night forever young for us?" i questioned you. then you opened your eyes and stared at me, deeply. "should the world know that nights were made only for the two of us?", you said with a sweet smile etched on your face and soft eyes that were trying to open. i looked deep into your eyes and smiled before i turned my body to the other side. you grabbed me tight and kissed my shoulder.

back to you, i closed my eyes. i felt the warmth of the pillow with your smell lingered on it. it brought me back to the first night when i opted to let myself share this pillow with you and lived the night with our talks, our jokes and our thoughts. without words, i traced your story and you probably traced mine; without you knowing it, i encountered plenty of facts about you and possibly vice versa. lies were just those things between fear; admiration was just the thing between disappointment; and longing was just that thing between lusts. ignore the negativity, i convinced myself that i made a right decision. you weren't sort of stranger i was afraid of. you weren't like those cowards who could dump me away with something left unsaid. i told myself that you were exceptional, again and again.

but then again, those things got me questioning.

"what if i am wrong? will there come a morning when i wake up with such self loathing for what i've been believing?" asking me at heart.

i turned to you sleeping beside me and I asked,

"what if one morning i wake up with hatred of you inside my heart, for making my pillow doesn't feel this warm anymore?"

but you did not reply, for you were deep in your slumber where the night was still bathed with morning dew and others were asleep with you.

Commonwealth, 22/03/2011 5:59 am, for a fiction when insomnia ravished me.

Time to Say Thank You To 2011

Singapore, December 30 2011

Somehow, I never make any resolutions when New Year comes. I make resolutions on my birthday for a reason, to me, my new year is my birthday. However, let's embrace the new number in our calendars. 2011 is changing to 2012 in no time. A year went by. Memories were made. Feelings have changed and sometimes our life, too, has changed. For all the despair in 2011, I had so much meaningful lessons and for that, here's something as a closure.

My life has seen yet another year through and I would like to say thank you to 2011 for all the things that had happened.

Thank you to Sue & Kak Ryan for bringing me along and making it as my very first travel to Batam. It was a great celebration of Chinese New Year. The high tea at Shangri-La hotel was splendid, too.

Thank you for letting me visit Kuala Lumpur again. and for this time, I'm sending another gratitude for sending me Febrina Medya as a helpful guide. I enjoyed it.

Thank you for the awesome trip to Bali, Lombok & Gili Trawangan as my birthday present. It was a really really astounding and wonderful trip. I fell in love with Gili Trawangan and made a promise I'll return again someday. I sure will.

Thank you for the excellent job and the salary increment you gave me. I did enjoy my job, and still do.

Thank you for the adorable colleagues. Never knew they would make good friends, even better than my school mates.

Thank you for the affair. It was bittersweet but made me a much stronger person.

Thank you for the separation. I would have never thought that everything that comes in pairs is so precious until I lost one of them. I would have never noticed how important small things are, until they have suddenly gone. I'm humbly grateful for everything I have now.

Thank you for bringing him back to me. I still don't know whether I ought to say this but anyway, I was glad he made a comeback.

Thank you for a short time of Long Distance Relationship between me and him. It taught me many lessons, it made me cerish our companionship even more.

Thank you for, eventually, making the "LOVE" word exist between me and him. It was something I long to hear for more than a year. something that made me so convinced, happy and feel loved.

Thank you for letting me be closer to his family and friends. No matter what, they have a special place in my heart.

Thank you for the break up again. It hurt, extremely hurt. But who am I to get upset for something I have no control over? At times, to truly love someone forces us to be less selfish. And by encouraging myself to walk away and let him — who wishes to be free— go no matter how much it hurts, I gave him my love.

And thank you to you. for dominating this year, for the love, for the unbearable pains, for the irreplaceable loss, for your adorable friends and lovely family, for making me a much stronger person; you made a great partner. the only thing I'd blame you for is making me fall deep in love with you and just leave me hanging here. as you left me with no goodbye, I just want you to know one thing, that.. even if it fell apart, even if it hurt me, I knew the dream that once mattered had come true. I was loved by you. and for that —once again— thank you.

Thank you 2011, I'm getting you over and done with. Thank you for the fall, I'll get up twice stronger. Looking forward to a much more awesome year ahead. Bring it on, 2012!

Love,
DindaZein

Aurora Bersenandung Waktu

Toast Box - Changi International Airport, Desember 2008

Terisi semua topangan kayu. Satu miliknya tak bertuan.

“Permisi, ada yang duduk disini?”

Tatapan tajam dan raut mengartikan tidak. Maka disitu lalu ada nama yang terucap, untuk sebuah memori.


Singapore Airlines, Singapore - New York, Desember 2008

“Good morning ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking….  Emerald  Januardo Ceuster”

Menopang dagu, melihat nafas awan, tergores garis merah jambu di bibir manisnya sebagai tanda ceria.

.
Dover,  Februari 2009

“so kiss me and smile for me / tell me that you’ll wait for me / hold me like you’ll never let me go / ’cause I’m living on a jet plane / don’t know when i’ll be back again / oh babe / I have to go”

Kidung yang tersandung dari irama sang pria. Membiarkan wanitanya duduk di meja kayu, memainkan hidung kecilnya, menatap mata sapphire nya, hingga mengecup halus bibir merah jambu.

“Janji untuk menunggu”

dan sang wanita menghasilkan rona. Beranjak dari duduknya, ia landaskan tulang kakinya pada punggung kaki sang pria. Lalu mereka berjalan berhadapan, mencoba perlahan untuk saling berimbang. Putih ceria suasananya bagaikan dunia tertawa untuk tingkah laku mereka dan raja di putaran waktu seperti berdetak sempurna, membiarkan detik berakhir makna.
.
Dover, Mei 2009

” Dearest : Schatzi..
Mentari nila kah pagi ini? Atau hujan sudahkah bernyanyi? Mereka semua riang, melihat Putri Tidurku menyambut hari angka barunya. Jelang harimu dengan doa, nona. Dan aku hanya punya kamera ini untuk bakat matamu yang terlalu luar biasa, menangkap setiap adegan waktu penuh makna dengan ribuan cerita dan membuka seluruh indraku untuk memuja. When you look at me, your sapphire eyes capture me. For the more I go inside, the more there is to see the glimpse of hope.

The world is a birthday cake, so you have to take some some pieces but not too much. Just some pieces but the best and the right ones. Happy birthday, my lady. I love you more each day”

- E -

.

Siloam Hospital, Agustus 2009

“Aurora? Cepat datang ke Jakarta”

.

TPU Menteng Pulo, Agustus 2009

Jelita berkerudung putih beralih biru, kelabu. Seperti udara yang nian sempit, kilasan tak lagi bergurat rupa bahagia. Nyanyian Illahi lalu berkumandang hingga awan dalam dindingnya nampak bak perca. Adakah lalu semesta ikut berduka?

Bersemayam abadi sebuah jiwa dalam tenangnya. Aliran kasihnya tak pernah berhenti seperti merahnya darah yang tunai baktinya selesai di kehidupan duniawi. Sesalku hanya satu, tak ada dalam dekat ragamu saat nafas berhembus sengal. Tidurlah dengan sempurna, Emerald Januardo Ceuster. Memori tak akan membiarkan nama dan kasihmu luruh oleh waktu.

.

Singapore, 4 Juni 2010 9:04 am

tegarlah Aurora, masih banyak lagu yang harus kau nyanyikan di panggung dunia. nyanyikanlah setiap nada dengan jiwa maka dunia nanti bermakna.