Thursday, November 22, 2012

Patiently Waiting

"Move baby, move. Your life is falling on you"

She woke up on a train. The voice uttering the words still echoed in her head. Unperturbed by the regular occurrence, she sat still silently watching trees and the sun falling west. The train was moving through a mountain range, reminding her of home. But home reminded her of last night.

The bar. She lost track of time emptying glasses. At the twist of her hips she turned as he walked through the door. That moment when she felt time stood still. Everything blurred as he moved a fraction of a second at a time. He found her gaze and she decided to make him hers.

A delectable smile sufficed as she thought to herself "for what it's worth. you know, you could take a man so easily?"

Morning came and she found herself alone. She wasn't home but the bed still smelled like flowers. She caught the sun peeking through the curtains. breakfast laid ready at the bedside. Everything was as it should be. Last night was another night. Just like any other night with someone, somewhere.

She looked around for him and found that he had turned into a note, lying on the floor. A cursive scribbled "thanks girl, next time in my town just pick up the phone"

She laid still gazing at the floor where her clothes stranggled patiently waiting for her to put them back on.

As the last ray of light disappeared from the horizon, the voice still echoed in her head "Move baby, move. Your life is falling on you"

inspired by :

A YEAR AGO

September, 11 - 11 - 2012

So, it's been a year. Who would have thought it was my last date with him. We went to Kalang to watch One Day, had dinner in Esplanade then took a bus home. I still remember what he wore, what we ate, everything about that day. Then, just like that, with no good bye, he left. A year went by, everything has changed, I've changed, my feeling has changed. I've moved on with my life. Yes, it took some time for me to get over him but everything turned good once I've learn to let go. The wounds slowly cured themselves, memories faded away, and I saw a bigger picture. A better picture. 

My revenge, nothing but knowing he's taken a piece of me and it shapes his heart permanently.

Move on. Don't waste your time on someone who doesn't have the same interest as yours. You'll forget. You'll forgive.


Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Love Is A Losing Game

Spend a few minutes to listen to this song in a busy day. Put everything aside. Get a cup of tea, rain and Amy. Breathe.

 
 

"Yes Amy, it was alright... More than alright - practically perfect, in fact. I so wish I could have seen you live, just once...just a glimpse of you would have been enough. Rest now baby x" - snoozipie



What she/he said, Amy. What she/he said.


Luxxie


Solitude Is Bliss

Saturday, 10 November 2012.

"Another one of those content Saturdays when I splurge on books whilst having a cuppa and pen down a page or two. Feeling good." (my tweet)

Yes it is just another serene Saturday for me. Since I've been staying late at work for the whole week, I decided to spend my weekend by staying in. I woke up late, had omelette for breakfast, took a nap for 2 hours, sat on my little balcony with a book and a cuppa for hours, cooked for myself, took a hot shower then got back to the book, and now, I'm jotting this down. Nothing so special about today but somehow, everything feels just good. Not a single thing is amiss. 

I'm all alone. I have to admit, living on my own and being alone, there are days when I'd appreciate the presence of a company. But not today, today this solitude feels so victorious.

Often times, we get mixed up about solitude and loneliness. Of course, we get lonely. Everyone gets lonely. Loneliness is always around us. What's loneliness, by the way? Loneliness is hard to define because it is fundamentally about absence. It’s the feeling that something is missing, even if you can’t specify what: a romantic partner, a friend, a sense of confidence or place, a feeling of purpose. It's like there is an empty space, a void that needs to be filled. Loneliness is when you want the phone to ring, and it doesn’t.

On the other hand, have you ever found yourself alone in a house or woken up in the middle of the night because you're famished for a solo supper then you cooked for yourself or made a cup of coffee, and enjoyed your meal in a dim dining room but still felt that there could be no better companion? That's solitude. If loneliness is about lack, solitude is the opposite, a feeling of being whole, sometimes deliriously so. Solitude is taking pride in knowing that you are able to amuse yourself, take care of yourself, do anything you want by yourself and you feel fantastic about it.

You're not afraid of being on your own, you don't force yourself to go make a little crowd and walking or being alone, even for a minute, is such a vital time for you. Sometimes, that's the urge to avoid the crowds, even you have to hide out in the bathroom at work, just a bit of time alone, time for a mini-internal dialogue, allowing our thoughts to lead us where they will. "Should I stay in this job? Should I be trying to write a novel? Should I say yes? Should I break up with him? Should I stick it out?" Those are the question we ask ourselves to be answered by none other than ourselves too.

Solitude is the kind of thing you don’t even appreciate until it’s gone. Given how often we find many people who are in intense relationship need a certain amount of time alone or how they complain of a lack of space when deeply involved in relationships, those are the epitomes that solitude isn’t universally bad. We need to be alone because it’s when we are alone that we are able to allow our thoughts to take shape.

There are definitely lonely times, too, when aloneness feels like gaping maw, and you just wish that someone, anyone would call you on the phone. Or, have this ever happened to you? You have a long rough day and you know you're gonna go home to an empty apartment, you secretly wish there will be someone behind the door to welcome you with a smile or to cuddle with? At least someone who will ask you "How was your day?" and listen to your rant? It has happened to me a lot of times. It is still normal to feel that every now and then.

In my opinion, a great deal of the pain caused by loneliness is due to a lack of control. Solitude is easy to enjoy when it isn’t forced. But when you lack control over your situation, solitude becomes loneliness. If you feel your isolation wasn’t chosen, and you can’t control it, that exile can be unbearable. The key, in my opinion, to regaining enjoyment in solitude and reducing loneliness, is to regain some control.

There is a power in being able to find contentment in solitude. Confronting essential aloneness is something that we have to learn through life experience like everyone else, but being comfortable doing things alone is second nature to most of us. Sometimes, spending time alone is just fun—and absolutely necessary for sanity’s sake.

Being alone is the only way to be creative in many disciplines. Again, like I've said, it’s when we are alone that we are able to allow our thoughts to take shape. You don’t need to go on a Buddhist retreat to be in touch with your “true self,” to find the center. This is why walking alone is such a vital time for us: it’s a convenient, incidental solitude. And the woman-walking-alone is such a cliché image of romantic aloneness in pop culture: in the opening scenes of Felicity, in Ally McBeal, in advertisements, and even at the end of Shakespeare in Love. We rely on stretches of walking-alone solitude—during which we think, regard buildings and the pastel sky, let thoughts bubble up inside of us—as a natural part of our days. It’s a time for contemplation. The uncompromising honesty of one, one's unwillingness to sell out or settle, comes from an almost compulsive conversation with the self.

One common misconception about people who like to be alone is that they are basically loners, the kind of people who categorically don’t like to socialize. In fact, we are usually a complicated mix of social and introspective. Often the alone states that we seek are the ones that put us in places of possibility: walking alone, sitting in a café, or traveling on a train, we thrive on a mix of solitude and adventure: New people, we love to meet new people (that we like!).

We are that aimless strollers who lose themself in the crowd, who have no destination and just go wherever caprice or curiousity directs our steps. We are wanderers and observers who amble through a city without apparent purpose but are secretly in search of adventure.

I have to admit, I think I'm more addicted to solitude since I live abroad without family and close friends around. When I first moved to Singapore, I had zero friend nor family. Such circumstances forced me to explore a new part of the city, crashing parties, or go out alone. I believe pretty strongly that you meet more people when you are alone. If you are traveling as a couple you are walled off from those travel miracles. Going out alone is the best. Single people get pulled into the best adventures. No one wants to approach couples to start a conversation/ruckus. I can’t even tell you how many insane things I’ve gotten involved with because I go out by myself. Also, I grow fonder of strangers. From strangers who approach or share table with me in a eating place or maybe cafe, or just sit beside me in a park or lounge, I make friends. I make a new family.

At the end of the day, you can only rely on yourself. You will walk through life alone.

--

Sunday, 11 November 2012

I decided to read a book with a companion of a cup of tea with a stack of pancakes outside, alone. It felt so good.




Friday, November 9, 2012

Petrichor

A busy Friday.

Reaping the various existing thoughts in my mind, I thought I better outpour every each of them into a cup of hot cocoa. I went down to the pantry expecting a little break from a pile of tasks on my desk. There, I found this familiar young lady who always smiles at me whenever she meets me even if we never talk that much. 

"No, let me make it myself. Thank you". I said to her.

She smiled again. 3 tea-spoons of cocoa and hot water. I stirred it. One sip, the flavor didn't taste that strong.

"One more spoon should be enough" I said to myself.

"You look good in red", said the lady behind me.

I startled, didn't notice she was staying behind me all the way.

"Oh really? Thank you. Yes it's Friday. I'm on fire" I replied.

"What's your plan tonight?"

"Nothing... I wanna head straight home. I've been staying late at work these past few days. I.. " I took a sip, tested the cocoa in my hand. It was just nice.

"Sorry. I'm, ah, kinda tired. I miss sleeping all day long", I continued.

"You should go out. You are still young"

I looked at her, said nothing and just smiled. I took one more sip.

"Oh Miss, your hair is wet"

"Oh ya I get caught in the rain, I was from a meeting outside earlier"

"You look tired", said the lady.

"Am I? Probably yaa.. I'm so deprived of sleep" I stirred the hot cocoa with the tea spoon.

"Well, this is just my suggestion, but on a rainy day like this, if I were you, I would go outside with my coffee. Just sit outside. I wouldn't want to think about the work I have. I want to enjoy the rain.", said the lady while mopping the floor.

"Well, I wouldn't do that"

"May I know why? You've got a lot of work to do?"

"No. It's just..." my eyes wandered. I couldn't help but sigh.

"There's just something about the rain that always brings out every memory that I've been trying to forget. And I kind of.. dislike it"

She stopped mopping and looked at me. For one second, I looked into her eyes and I could see a big question mark that asserted a further elaboration.

"Or maybe.. it's just my mood!" I chuckled hoping she wouldn't insist on giving me that stare.

"Woman, go out. I know you like the wind chimes. Sit near there. Hear the sound of the wind touching them. Smell the rain, see the greenery. Focus on the rain, not what is on your mind."

She left me in a daze. "I guess the rain is pretty hard. My cocoa is getting cold. Oh well.." I tried my best to distract her.

"You don't want to try?"

"Try what?"

"Go to the porch lobby and enjoy the rain?"

"I... " I was doubtful.

"Okay I will"

** 

 I heard the sound of wind chimes dancing freely with the wind blew my hair when that smell emerged. That, the pleasant smell that accompanies the first rain after a dry spell. Petrichor.

I held the cup of my cocoa really hard. My eyes wandered. Every now and then, I closed my eyes while sipping the cocoa trying to focus on the rain. How it sounded like. How it smelled like.

Then out of nowhere, a British guy came to me. I suddenly remembered of how he always called me with a pet name, Lily. I suddenly remembered the way he laughed, the way he made jokes, the way he stomped me when he was mad and the way he looked at me. He was there. He was sitting in front of me.

He seemed to keen on reminding me of every moment we shared together. What happened last November, I tried to recall with his looks that recited one story and another.

Then, I smelled this particular scent. The scent that I'm familiar with. There he was, the Korean guy with a white shirt. I put down the cup and smiled.  He was sitting next to me.

I kept looking at him with a smile on my face. I sniffed his scent and all of a sudden those moments flashed in my mind. The moment when he looked at me, when he laughed, when he talked to me, when he tried to pronounce a few Indonesian words, his voice, his charming unfriendly tempered, his arrogant gestures and not to forget, his calmness. Then I tried to remember every inch of his body. His neat clean-shaven hair, the thick-frame of his spectacles, his bulky arms and his neat white teeth that caught my attention since the very start.

I was glad he was there. I missed him. I was so glad he came.

A little thunder interrupted my thoughts that hit me back to my hot cocoa. It turned so cold and its coldness aroused my scattered mind. The rain was getting really hard that resulted the wind chimes swaying wildly with the deafening sound, sounded much like my wandering mind was being forced to cling to the moment that I felt real was only a castle in the air.

I came back to the reality. No one was there but me. The British guy wasn't there, neither was the Korean guy whose presence I've been longing the most.

"Get a grip, Amalia", my heart shouted that.

I was a little bit resentful because I didn't like it. I didn't like it like this. She was wrong, the pantry lady was wrong. You can't only focus on the rain because You can't help but remember moments and people when it rains.


Wednesday, November 7, 2012

W A N D E R L U S T

To live in the city where it is safe to have a long night walk. 



To live in the city where its historical sites and libraries are pretty decent





To live in the city where it is convenient to go on a date taking public transportation or walking on a crowded street. 


To live in the city where relieving stress doesn't involve malls but parks, public attractions, street artists and city lights.




 To live in the city where having pecks on the lips in public spaces is appropriate




To live in the city where sharing a table with strangers at an eating place is normal



To live in the city where it is easy to have a lunch date in the thick of a busy day



To live in the city where  a long distance call from your family is one precious happy pill.



 To live in the city where menials and varmints don't wolf whistle and leer at women in revealing clothes. 



To live in the city where the sea, mountain, beach or river is a daily dish view from your window








Go, leave your city. Move, don't only stay in a little garden. Flee, go see the fields beyond the fence. Live. Wandering is living.





Luxxie

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

First Monday in November: Compliments

Since October, I was warned that November is gonna be a busy month. Looking at so many bold dates in my calender that imply meeting schedules and deadlines, I've got to brace myself for the sleep deprivation, depression, rest home during the whole weekends, head straight home after work, and any part thereof.

So yesterday, on the first Monday in November, I came to work wearing a shirt for the first time. Yes, it was my very first time wearing a shirt to work. I wear many dresses, tops and skirts, anything but a shirt. Why? It's not that I dislike shirts, in fact, I'm really comfortable wearing one. It's just a shirt always gives me a sense of rigidity, which is very dissimilar to my work environment. Despite all the seriousness that we put in our work with entrenched discipline, I'm thankful that the people in my office dress pretty casual.

I was in blue. No, it was not an idiom, I meant, I was wearing a blue shirt and a blue skirt. When I got to the office, I bumped into my co-worker, he went like "Hey, you look so pretty today. Marry me?". I dodged it by smiling. It seemed like everybody did notice that I had never worn a shirt before and got all shocked when I wore one yesterday. Luckily, they said, I looked so good in a shirt.

I met Jonathan, the American guy who happens to be a bloody VP. I usually can't get along really well with him but yesterday, he complimented me saying "Hey, nice shirt! and it's matching with your blue skirt too. I think you have such a good taste in fashion!". At the very least he was really being nice to me and for once, I didn't get in a quarrel with him.

3 pm, I went for a coffee break with my co-workers. As I don't drink coffee, I had a cup of Milo. Anything related to our work was the topic. Our tight schedules, planning, goals, some even vented about them. It was either the Monday blues or mere pressures in us. 

Then out of nowhere, one of my Indonesian co-worker: the closest one, my partner in crime, my ace buddy nonchalantly said "You look pretty today, Fir". Why was I shocked? Because regardless of the fact that we're close, he never complimented me. Not even once. When we were back in our room, he played his playlist and the song was "Kau cantik hari ini / dan aku suka" :). I pretended that I didn't hear or even notice the song was playing though, because it would be really awkward for us both *grin*.

What? I'm only blogging about the compliments I've got? Yes. Because women never forget compliments. And I will not want to forget each of them as well.

Btw, I like these candid pictures taken by my co-worker when I was sipping Milo at the office lounge.The suitable caption for these photos would be: Diluted the Monday blues in a cup of Milo.




So, I just want to share about how happy I was to get compliments only by wearing a shirt. As I've once ever tweeted, you have to give someone a compliment when they deserve it. Why? Because a compliment could be an achievement for somebody. Moreover, it could be a form of recognition or a simple acknowledgement. At the very least, by giving a compliment we subtly convey one's worth and that can make one's day. Monday (in) blues were not that bad after all.




Friday, November 2, 2012

The Last

Yesterday in the thick of a busy day, Harris my co-worker showed me this video. We watched this video by the big window with the rain drops over two cups of tea. I marveled. The hopeless-romantic side of me said, this is a beautiful piece of work. This video which is actually a short movie made my heart melt, gave me an epiphany and resonated me.

And well, below this video is my attempt at jotting down the dialogues of this movie because there are so many interesting lines that I love. I think you should spare 8 minutes out of 24 hours in your day to watch this short movie. You just should.






The Last

How many were there before me?

What do you mean?

How many girls did you love before me?

Love? 5. I loved 5 women before you.

What are their names?

Who, What, When, Where, Why

Can you tell me about them?

Who I loved, was a girl from college. I wasn’t exactly close to her but with some superficial facts and a few interaction over semester; you know, like most guys fantasizing about a girl they barely know, I filled in the blanks like a fairytale author. And who she became in my head was probably more than the reality. She was a third year sorority girl. And I was the infatuated freshman, sure, but the several times we got to spend together outside  of class also allowed me to see she also had a good heart and a bright spirit. The only problem was? So did just about any other guy. And while she turned me down nicely, I swear, there were times when it seemed like the cliche sorority girl may have felt something for the typical, awkward, freshman.

What I loved, was an old friend. But she was much more than just a friend. we met early in college and kept in touch with the year after. We saw each other grow, and change. And through multiple relationships. I saw her different boyfriends come and go, she was also there for every girlfriend… and break-up of mine. Personality, humor, taste, it was all there. Her and I were almost perfect. The only thing that wasn’t perfect, was our timing. We were never single at the same time and what we loved about each other was never enough to leave who we were with. This is something we eventually have to face and accept. And we had to leave behind what we had.

When I loved, was my first girlfriend in highschool. It’s a bit unfair because she embodies the combination of both love and youth. The feeling of young love is unique and impossible to replace or replicate. Because we can only be that age once. High school was the time of innocence, discovery and adventure. We shared these three elements together and things like, our first kiss, late night sneaking out, and mad-named movies. All of which now have become a nostalgic love. Preserved in a time that neither of us can touch, but know it’s there. Even though we were just kids, there’s not a doubt in my mind that when we were there, we were in love.

Where I loved, was the girl I met in Los Angeles. I never intend to stay there that long. It was just a six-month internship after graduating, but it all changed when I met her. Soon a year had passed and somehow another year after that. I couldn’t leave the city. I couldn’t leave her. Maybe it was my desire to be on my own, or prove something to everyone back at home, but she helped me accomplish it over there. With a relationship reflective of the city we were in. A new energy and new experiences that really push me to mature more than anyone. Or anywhere else. When people ask what city I love the most, I say, L.A. The city where I loved the most.

Why I loved, was a close friend of mine who passed away. She told me after she was diagnosed that death wasn’t what saddened her the most. But the fact that she never really felt like she had fallen in love. She wouldn’t get to have those emotions, good and bad. Of being hurt, and of being held. After she passed, those words stuck with me the most. Teaching me to see that, one of the greatest gifts we have of being alive was the ability to give, receive, and even lose love. There are so many like her, whose lives end before having any of those experiences. What a waste if we don’t strive to love in our lives. She made me understand why. Why waste our life… not loving?

I understand now.

You are the sixth. 

The sixth? So which one is me, then?

You are none of them. Because you are all of them.

You are who I love. The girl on the pedestal. The fantasy. The make-believe things that are actually true. You are what I love. The depth, the inside jokes. The bestfriend. You are when I love. A new history is being started with you. We are the young lovers our older selves will someday reminisce about. You are where I love. Because I’d go anywhere just to be with you. You are why I love. Because before you, I didn’t truly understand what I was looking for. Now that we found each other, You’ve given my past, and future, meaning.

You are the sixth. You are the last.

 
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