"Another one of those content Saturdays when I splurge on books whilst having a cuppa and pen down a page or two. Feeling good." (my tweet)
Yes it is just another serene Saturday for me. Since I've been staying late at work for the whole week, I decided to spend my weekend by staying in. I woke up late, had omelette for breakfast, took a nap for 2 hours, sat on my little balcony with a book and a cuppa for hours, cooked for myself, took a hot shower then got back to the book, and now, I'm jotting this down. Nothing so special about today but somehow, everything feels just good. Not a single thing is amiss.
I'm all alone. I have to admit, living on my own and being alone, there are days when I'd appreciate the presence of a company. But not today, today this solitude feels so victorious.
Often times, we get mixed up about solitude and loneliness. Of course, we get lonely. Everyone gets lonely. Loneliness is always around us. What's loneliness, by the way? Loneliness is hard to define because it is fundamentally about absence.
It’s the feeling that something is missing, even if you can’t specify
what: a romantic partner, a friend, a sense of confidence or place, a
feeling of purpose. It's like there is an empty space, a void that needs to be filled. Loneliness is when you want the phone to ring, and
it doesn’t.
On the other hand, have you ever found yourself alone in a house or woken up in the middle of the night because you're famished for a solo supper then you cooked for yourself or made a cup of coffee, and enjoyed your meal in a dim dining room but still felt that there could be no better companion? That's solitude. If loneliness is about lack, solitude is the opposite, a feeling of being whole, sometimes deliriously so. Solitude is taking pride in knowing that you are able to amuse yourself, take care of yourself, do anything you want by yourself and you feel fantastic about it.
You're not afraid of being on your own, you don't force yourself to go make a little crowd and walking or being alone, even for a minute, is such a vital time for you. Sometimes, that's the urge to avoid the crowds, even you have to hide out in the bathroom at work, just a bit of time alone, time for a mini-internal dialogue, allowing our thoughts to lead us where they will. "Should I stay in this job? Should I be trying to write a novel? Should I say yes? Should I break up with him? Should I stick it out?" Those are the question we ask ourselves to be answered by none other than ourselves too.
Solitude is the kind of thing you don’t even appreciate until it’s gone. Given how often we find many people who are in intense relationship need a certain amount of time alone or how they complain of a lack of space when deeply involved in relationships, those are the epitomes that solitude isn’t universally bad. We need to be alone because it’s when we are alone that we are able to allow our thoughts to take shape.
There are definitely lonely times, too, when aloneness feels like gaping maw, and you just wish that someone, anyone would call you on the phone. Or, have this ever happened to you? You have a long rough day and you know you're gonna go home to an empty apartment, you secretly wish there will be someone behind the door to welcome you with a smile or to cuddle with? At least someone who will ask you "How was your day?" and listen to your rant? It has happened to me a lot of times. It is still normal to feel that every now and then.
In my opinion, a great deal of the pain caused by loneliness is due to a lack of control. Solitude is easy to enjoy when it isn’t forced. But when you lack control over your situation, solitude becomes loneliness. If you feel your isolation wasn’t chosen, and you can’t control it, that exile can be unbearable. The key, in my opinion, to regaining enjoyment in solitude and reducing loneliness, is to regain some control.
There is a power in being able to find contentment in solitude. Confronting essential aloneness is something that we have to learn through life experience like everyone else, but being comfortable doing things alone is second nature to most of us. Sometimes, spending time alone is just fun—and absolutely necessary for sanity’s sake.
Being alone is the only way to be creative in many disciplines. Again, like I've said, it’s when we are alone that we are able to allow our thoughts to take shape. You don’t need to go on a Buddhist retreat to be in touch with your “true self,” to find the center. This is why walking alone is such a vital time for us: it’s a convenient, incidental solitude. And the woman-walking-alone is such a cliché image of romantic aloneness in pop culture: in the opening scenes of Felicity, in Ally McBeal, in advertisements, and even at the end of Shakespeare in Love. We rely on stretches of walking-alone solitude—during which we think, regard buildings and the pastel sky, let thoughts bubble up inside of us—as a natural part of our days. It’s a time for contemplation. The uncompromising honesty of one, one's unwillingness to sell out or settle, comes from an almost compulsive conversation with the self.
One common misconception about people who like to be alone is that they are basically loners, the kind of people who categorically don’t like to socialize. In fact, we are usually a complicated mix of social and introspective. Often the alone states that we seek are the ones that put us in places of possibility: walking alone, sitting in a café, or traveling on a train, we thrive on a mix of solitude and adventure: New people, we love to meet new people (that we like!).
We are that aimless strollers who lose themself in the crowd, who have no destination and just go wherever caprice or curiousity directs our steps. We are wanderers and observers who amble through a city without apparent purpose but are secretly in search of adventure.
I have to admit, I think I'm more addicted to solitude since I live abroad without family and close friends around. When I first moved to Singapore, I had zero friend nor family. Such circumstances forced me to explore a new part of the city, crashing parties, or go out alone. I believe pretty strongly that you meet more people when you are alone. If you are traveling as a couple you are walled off from those travel miracles. Going out alone is the best. Single people get pulled into the best adventures. No one wants to approach couples to start a conversation/ruckus. I can’t even tell you how many insane things I’ve gotten involved with because I go out by myself. Also, I grow fonder of strangers. From strangers who approach or share table with me in a eating place or maybe cafe, or just sit beside me in a park or lounge, I make friends. I make a new family.
At the end of the day, you can only rely on yourself. You will walk through life alone.
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Sunday, 11 November 2012
I decided to read a book with a companion of a cup of tea with a stack of pancakes outside, alone. It felt so good.
